Snail-ed It
Have you seen this new fad?
Women, in an effort to look younger, are flocking to get Snail Gel Facials. Hailed as the ‘next big thing’ in beauty, therapists rub gooey snail secretions over one’s skin. The gel contains high levels of allantoin, which moisturizes and soothes while plumping the outer layers of the skin. Chilean snail farmers developed the practice and say the gel is good for cleansing, toning and exfoliation.
I’m beginning to think that there is a group of people who sit together in a room and try to come up with ridiculous things to make women do. Snails? Seriously? Though I suppose I shouldn’t be surprised, ladies with a few wrinkles and lots of money have been fighting aging in many strange ways for years.
Bird Poop Facials – Which apparently contains a chemical called Guanine that is said to be awesome for your skin and can only be found in bird poop.
Placenta Milkshakes – This tissue that grows inside of women when they are pregnant and serves to nourish and protect the fetus. In Japan people are drinking ground placenta to look and feel younger. GROSS!
Mayonnaise Lotions – When rubbed onto your skin, mayo is said to increase smoothness, softness AND elasticity. No word on whether or not Miracle Whip is an acceptable substitute.
Lemon-Juice Highlights – The completely natural way to lighten your strands…squirt some lemon juice on your hair and lay out in the sun for the cheapest most real-looking highlights you’ve ever had. (Side note… Guilty. I tried this as a kid. Probably why I was bald by 20.)
Bull Semen Hair Conditioner – I’m not making this up! Bull semen is said to not only strengthen and smooth hair, but also to add shine to it. (I’m thinking of MANY funny things… none of which I can print here.)
Fish Pedicure – I saw this on TV. The key to fresh feet is removing dead skin cells, and this strange spa treatment has people dip their feet into a bucket of fish who actually eat off the dead skin, leaving soft, fresh skin behind.
While I was fortunate enough to marry a German woman who hasn’t aged a day in 17 years, I personally think women age like a fine wine. So spend lots of money on them, take them out and show them off to your friends, and keep them in a temperature controlled cellar.
