Halloween Headache

Scary prices make me feel wicked!  So my girls Halloween costume parties are coming up at their respective schools.  This means it’s time to take out the annual loan to go and purchase new costumes.  While Halloween in general in one of my favorite holidays of the year, this ritual is one of my least favorites.

First there is the cost.  Can you find a more cheaply made product in the entire world than a Halloween costume?  Polyester or that flimsy plastic crap fabric, every corner cut possible.  And all this shoddy workmanship can be yours for a mere… FIFTY BUCKS?  You can put $49.99 on the package, but it’s still Fifty bucks!  I spent an hour last night trying to convince my 12 year old daughter that the discounted $20 Batman costume was cool, to no avail.

And what perv designs these things?  My girls are 8 and 12.  The costumes for the 8 year old are ok, but for the tween?  Hello! or should I say Hell-no!  Every costume is slutty.  Low cut tops and micro-mini skirts.  Don’t get me wrong, at a bar costume party I’d be all about it… but not for my kid.  She’s 5′2″, so she fits into a junior medium or a ladies small.  Apparently you have to be a DD to fill out the tops, though.  Seriously? 

Well, $90 later the greek goddess and zombie prom queen are all set to go.  I’ll have to seek my reimbursement in trick or treat candy.

Child-ish Behavior

We’re Foodies at my house.  All four of us like watching the Food Network and eating at good restaurants.  We love trying new recipes and even cooking things together.  Up until now, this has seemed harmless enough.  Well, my wife and oldest daughter went to see “Julie & Julia” last week and it’s beginning to cost me a fortune.

The movie itself:
Movie Tickets – $18
Popcorn & Sodas – $25

Then my wife needed to have Julia Child’s book:
Mastering the Art of French Cooking – $40

The book says the most important thing is a set of excellent cutlery, so off to the store for that:
Chef knife set – $200

What’s next, Culinary School?
Culinary Arts tuition – $28,017
Pastry and Baking Arts tuition – $26,334
Culinary Management Diploma program – $12,900

So, that’ll run me around $70 grand! Trust me; I won’t need a whole table-full of chopped onions to make me cry.  In fact, my eyes are starting to sting right now.

Grilled to Perfection

For those of you new to the Jesse & Shotgun radio show, I have troubles with my grill. It is not that I have trouble with cooking food outdoors; I just physically have problems with my current grill. Let me explain. My gas grill is probably 5-7 years old. Everything is in relatively good working order, but it’s a cheap grill… and open all around the bottom. Couple that with the fact that it’s almost always windy here in Colorado and my stupid grill doesn’t even get hot enough to brown brats. It’s pathetic. For that reason alone, I do not grill nearly as often as every man should. There have been many days I’ve gone out to fire up the grill… waited… and ended up cooking my food some other way. I actually once, I hate to admit, BAKED a STEAK! Sad, but true.

After the humbling steak incident, I went to Target and bought a $40 George Foreman electric grill. That decision has lead to much ribbing and torment on the morning show. Jesse also has issues with my “meat fork” because it has an electric meat thermometer and “no self-respecting male should have to check the temperature of the meat” for doneness. He also thinks my pigtail flipper is “wussy”. I stand by the pigtail. It’s awesome!

Well, further proof that I am married to the most wonderful woman in the world… my wife said that for Father’s Day (and our 15th anniversary-which are two weeks apart) I could buy myself a new grill. I’m so PUMPED! Being the nerdy guy that I am, I spent the last week visiting grill stores and doing research online. I decided on an infrared grill, because they heat evenly, burn a third less propane and heat up quickly. It’s really sweet and even has a place to add wood chips for smoking. Whoo-hoo! I went and picked it up yesterday. I wanted to get the one that was already put together, but it wouldn’t fit in the minivan… so I got one in the box. I took it home and put it together in my garage. At one point, my neighbor Tom came over to check on me because he’d “been watching me work on the grill for five hours” and thought I might need some help. LOL.

Amy went to the store to get some steaks as I was in the final stretches of putting it together and just as I was wheeling it onto the patio in the back yard… it started to downpour.

I can’t win.

When Life gives you Lemons

I buy them on the car lot.  If there is a gene that men have that make them good at selecting vehicles, it is missing in me.  I have a long history of buying cars that end up being money pits. Let’s review…

First car: (Jr. year of high school – 1988)’78 Ford Pinto station wagon.  My dad still says I bought it because it had a good stereo.  LOL.  I replaced the radiator three times, new transmission, alternator, and one time I was duct-taping a hose in some farmers driveway.

Chevy Malibu – when the transmission went out in the Pinto, I got the Malibu from my dad.  I had it less than six months and had to replace the engine!  Then two weeks later, the clutch went out. I drove it 70 miles back to my dad’s house in 2nd gear.

AMC Eagle – I bought this off a lot.  I thought I did really well.  First time I brought it home… dad said the “ticking” I didn’t think anything of… was rod knock.  Less than a year later, it was seized up in my driveway.  I sold it for scrap to the junkyard for $35.

Then I bought a couple cars from my father-in-law which were good…

Buick Regal – my favorite car ever.
Chevy Celebrity – ugly but ran well.
Buick Century – great car, I had this for a few months and my father-in-law traded me for a Jeep Cherokee.

Jeep Cherokee – my first truck.  I decided at this point I was a truck man. It had some weird engine troubles which cost me several hundred over the three years I drove it. I wrecked this one.  So I bought my wife a Chevy Blazer and started driving her car… a Geo Prism.

I drove the Prism for another year, before I had to have another truck and bought…

Ford Explorer – This was another money pit. New clutch, brake rotors, broken blend door, and some engine gasket got me in almost three grand deep in two years.

Jeep Wrangler – Everybody has the car they always want to own, for me it was a Wrangler.  I had it for a year (until last Saturday).  In that year, I had to replace the clutch and transmission; I snapped off the blinker switch so the wiper washer didn’t work; the blend door was broken (2nd car in a row); and finally, the heat went out and the locking gas cap busted!

Over the weekend, I bought a ‘01 Jeep Grand Cherokee.  It runs well, has moderate mileage, leather interior and power everything… and I even got a decent price!  I thought I did great, until I got in this morning and found out that the heater doesn’t work. (3rd vehicle in a row!) Thankfully the dealership is fixing it today.

Morale of the story: If you need someone to come along when you go car shopping… lose my number.

Bad Advice

So a few weeks ago Jesse was gone and the rest of us were talking about Facebook.  I had mentioned that I really like reconnecting with friends from high school and college…and I do!  It’s fun to find out what people have been doing for the past 20 years, see pictures of their families, relive old memories, etc.

The discussion centered on who you “friend” and who you don’t.  A friend of mine from high school sent me a “friend suggestion”, which is where you suggest to someone that they add a mutual friend. The suggestion was for my high school girlfriend.  We were together for about four years from high school to college.  To say it ended badly would be an understatement, but I was under the impression we had made nice at least to the point where we were still friends.  I had left the request alone for a few weeks at the point of our conversation.  Had she sent me a friend request, I would accept – being the good guy that I am.  But if I sent the request, it would put me out there in an uncomfortable place.  I discussed it with the rest of the show, and Amanda and Chuck said yes send it… intern Ty said not to.

I went with the consensus and sent the friend request.  That was two weeks ago.  Today I was writing something on a different classmate’s wall and saw the ex-girlfriend’s picture in her friend’s column, so I checked the status. She has not accepted my friend request.  So, now I look like a tool.  This especially stinks because as high school sweethearts, we hung out with all the same people.  I should have just gone with my gut (and Ty’s advice) and just deleted it.

The moral of the story… don’t follow Amanda’s advice.

Qwest for Service

Over 165 countries are connected to the Internet. The number grows everyday, but it is estimated that approximately 47.5 million people use the Internet in the US alone.  We are all connected in one way or another to the information we get online, whether it’s sports scores, weather information or movie times.

I try to claim that “it’s for work”, but I’m online probably at least three to four hours a day.  Checking emails, reading gossip blogs, updating facebook, etc.  So this weekend was especially painful when my internet service was down ALL WEEKEND.  I actually had to spend time talking to my wife and kids!  Seriously though, everyone expects to get a blip in service from time to time, but for two solid days is ridiculous.  I finally got on the phone with their service people yesterday from their pleasant call center overseas and after almost an hour on the phone she informed me that after double-checking my address that there was an outage in my area that was as yet unresolved.  That’s a crock of bull.  Fix the damn thing!

As of this morning, still no internet service at my house.  My first call to the service department was pleasant.  They won’t want to hear from me today!

Facebook status: “Shotgun is- a little past irritated”

Waiting Patient-ly

I went in for my annual physical with my doctor yesterday.  Is there anything more frustrating than going to the doctors office and waiting for EVER!  If YOU are five minutes late, God help you.  But if you show up on time or even early… get ready for some quality alone time.

I had an appointment at 1:00pm yesterday.  I arrived at 12:45pm.  It was 1:30 before the nurse came to get me.  She took my weight, blood pressure and left me to sit in the examination with the normal paper toga.  Almost a full FORTY FIVE MINUTES LATER, the doctor comes in.  After about two minutes of “how are you feeling?”, the nurse comes in and tells her she has a phone call.  Terrific, another 10 minutes of reading ancient magazines in a paper toga.  Good thing they took my blood pressure early, because I’m thinking it was pretty hopping by this point.

As for the physical, my doctor was pleasantly surprised that I’d dropped 30 pounds, but still wants me to get more exercise.  I go in for some routine bloodwork later this week.  The doctor asked if I’d been fasting, but I said no.  I didn’t know I was supposed to?!?  My wife says that I’m old now and should just expect that every time. 

Nice.

Bet Welcher

June 17th, 2008 – Yesterday, Jesse James and I had a $20 bet on whether or not the lawn sprinkler watering days change from year to year.  He said yes, and I said no.  After the show I called my water company and gave them his address.  I asked if they also service his house with water.  They said they do.  Then I asked if the watering schedule changes from year to year and they said no.  Specifically, it has not changed in the past several years, and they do not anticipate any changes in the “foreseeable future”.  Sounds like a win to me.

This is why you don’t bet with Jesse James.  While a few bets are cut and dried as to who wins (usually him), on the rare occasion that he is wrong, you can count on one or more of the following:

1) He’ll ignore the bet as long as he can.
2) He’ll try to find a loophole that allows him to avoid paying you.
3) If you can actually get him to admit he lost, (fat chance) he’ll claim he’s paid you already with an excuse like, “I bought lunch yesterday, so we’re even.”
4) He’ll try to get you to go “double or nothing”.
5) Although he INSISTS that you have your money up front, he’ll wait to pay you until an opportunity arises where he can “just call it even”.

Notice that the topic never came up this morning.  I will never see my $20… and I won’t bet him ever again.  I mean it this time!

UPDATE: Jesse says he has this year’s water card and is looking for last year’s.  He plans to bring it tomorrow.

UPDATE: Still no mention on the air… and still no money!

Re-gifter? Me?

June 10th, 2008 – I’m Distraught! Jesse accused me of “re-gifting” his birthday present this past spring. The worst thing is that he’s been thinking this since April and if it hadn’t come up in random conversation on the show today, I’d never have known!

Jesse tells everyone not to get him a gift. Not because he doesn’t want them, but because he doesn’t want to feel obligated to get YOU one on your birthday. I always get him something funny and inappropriate, usually from Spencer’s. This year I decided to do something more thoughtful. Big mistake! Now, as often as I get accused of not having my “man card”, I am still a guy. I went out the day of Jesse’s birthday, bought him a gift and a card, threw it in one of my daughter’s recycled gift bags and dropped it off at his house. The entire transaction took scarcely an hour and I never left my truck. (A man always keeps a pen in his truck in case he has to sign an emergency card. i.e. wife birthday, anniversary, etc.)

When it came up this morning and I swore it was a real gift, he says “Show me the receipt, then!” What an ass! I shred my receipts, as everyone should. I do have the reconciled transaction from my Quicken account, though.

I went to the Aurora Mall, bought him a Packer hat that I thought looked cool and that he didn’t have and dropped it off. He claims it had cat hair all over it. I call bunk on that!

Let’s face it. If I was going to re-gift Jesse, I’d do something big, funny, and obvious, not try to sneak it under the radar. As with everything else, he’s going to believe what he believes and never come around. My honor is being questioned though, and I’m actually kinda bummed about it. I guess I’ll have to actually do what he’s been telling me too all these years and just stop buying him a birthday present.

When You’re Going Downhill…

It gets faster at the bottom.  So as you can see from my last two blogs, I can’t drive my truck because the tires are too big and the new tires haven’t come in yet.  The dude I work with still hasn’t paid me. (I’m taking him to court next month). And yesterday afternoon…

My computer melted down!  It just froze up and won’t turn back on.  I tried a few of the tricks to get it running again, but I think it’s shot.  The IT guy here at the station offered to take a look but told me not to hold out any hope.

I’ve backed up a few things, but I will for sure lose a ton of pictures, music, and videos.  Not to mention all my financial records for the past two years (I use Quicken).  It’ll work out.  Things always do.  Hopefully Uncle Sam will be good to me and I can get a new computer with tax return money, that’s a pretty tall order for Santa!
 
Ho ho ho!