One of my favorite memories of St. Patrick’s Day past was when I was eleven. We never did much of anything to celebrate before so I wasn’t expecting anything. In that little farm-house in Northeast Wisconsin, my little brother (who was 5) and I shared a room that was right off the kitchen.  When we woke up the morning of March 17th, we walked into the kitchen – and chaos!  There were underwear hanging from cupboard handles, paper strewn everywhere, and what seemed like hundreds of little footprints all over the walls and countertops.  To top it off, in the middle of the kitchen table was a big platter of green sugar cookies.  My mom came into the kitchen when she heard us, and exclaimed, “the Leprechaun’s must’ve come last night!”

Now that I’m grown with kids of my own, I realize that she must have stayed up all night getting everything ready.  It was a very thoughtful thing to do just to surprise a couple little boys. 

Happy St. Patrick’s Day
I miss you, Mom! xxoo

“Serotonin, endorphins, neuropeptide Y and galanin sound like characters from Star Wars, but they are some of the many microscopic chemicals at the helm of your crave control.”

Most diet guru’s will even tell you that it’s always healthier to give in (albeit moderately) to the cravings you have rather than put them off. Why? Because denying your cravings will lead to you abandoning your diet and healthy habits altogether.

Pregnant women and cravings have become synonymous over the years. To this day, I credit my love of peanut butter and pickle sandwiches to my mother.  You name it – chocolate, ice cream… some days nothing sounds better than a big, juicy cheeseburger.  Other days cheesy, gooey pizza is your deepest desire. The best thing about cravings like these is not only are the places to buy them plentiful, but they are also typically “fast” food.  All the better to get want you need, NOW!

My current craving is a delectable sensation of piping hot, sweet fruity goodness lovingly held in place by light flaky homemade crust.  It’s shape - round, indicating the completeness you feel in your soul after one mouthful.  A dessert meant to be shared with family or friends. Ladies and gentlemen I give you: PIE! Glorious Pie!

OK, here’s the problem. True, amazing, awesome pie must be purchased at a diner or restaurant and must be enjoyed with a glass of ice cold milk. With the current trends, a little slice of heaven is darn near impossible to find!  Oh sure, there is a cupcake shop on every corner!  And every restaurant has desert – BUT NO PIE!  Too bad I’m not craving a brownie sundae, EVERYBODY has those!  And I don’t discriminate, all pies are welcome: apple, cherry, strawberry-rhubarb, french silk, coconut cream, lemon meringue… I must have some!

There are a few heavenly oases in this dessert desert, restaurants that specialize in pies (i.e. Perkins, Bakers Square) but they don’t have any in San Antonio, TX. If I don’t get some pie soon, I may have to organize a road trip. Maybe to the Norske Nook in Osseo, WI! I’ve been known to drive 150 miles for a Steak & Shake burger, so it’s not a stretch.  Who’s with me?

Here’s why it’s so important.  A new survey by CareerBuilder.com shows that over a third of hiring managers spend less than one minute reviewing a resume while 18% spend less than 30 seconds!

Think of it as a relationship.  Your resume is your first impression and hopefully your foot in the door.  If you want to get to the first date, make the impression a good one.  Don’t make the mistakes these people made.

The most memorable missteps HR managers encountered when going through resumes included a candidate who:

put God down as a reference
listed her hobby as alligator watching
claimed to be a direct descendant of the Vikings
had an email address with “lovesbeer” in it
listed “Master of Time and Universe” under experience
specifically pointed out he was not a gypsy
said he must be allowed to bring his pet monkey to the workplace
pointed out, “I’ll have your job in five years.”
sent a 24-page resume for a five-year career
put a picture of her cat on top of her resume
sent a video trying to hypnotize the HR manager into hiring him.

My favorite package I ever received as a manager was (pre-9/11) a packaging tube painted to look like TNT with a “wick” sticking out of one end.  Inside was a resume that said “Dynamite Employee Inside”.  Got him an interview!

- 66% of women say they are likely to kiss a guy on a first date if he smells good.

- 25% of women will wait anywhere from two weeks to a month before washing their sheets in order to keep their guy’s scent close

- 56% of women won’t date a guy who smells like their dad

- 50% of women have stolen an article of clothing from a guy so they can enjoy his scent when he’s not around.

- 60% of women sleep in their guy’s clothes because they like his lingering aroma

- 60% of women still remember the smell of their ex’s cologne

Anything surprise you in this study?  Ladies, do you agree?

This is not without its perils, however.  My wife, God bless her, really goes out of her way to try to find new and inventive ways to feed us healthy food. That, in turn, can lead to some confusing moments of trying to find rare ingredients in the grocery store.  My wife makes out her grocery list in a very specific way.  She has categories mapped out: Meat, Veggies/Fruit, Dairy, Bread, etc. and a list of items under each.  There will always be a list of items that don’t fall under these categories that she puts at the end and I have to try to find.  It’s kind of like a scavenger hunt for food.

On one particularly memorable trip, I brought my daughters along.  One pushes the cart, one commands the list, and I get the items for the cart.  We were doing well until we came upon an item I’d never heard of before: SHMOZ.   “What did you say?” I asked my daughter “Shmoz,” she replied, “S-H-M-O-Z” My little one started to giggle, “What the heck is shmoz?” she asks. I tell her I have no idea.  I don’t even know where to begin looking.  So I do another non-manly thing… I ask one of the store employees.  “Where can an enterprising young man like me find some Shmoz?”  After looking at me like I’m speaking a foreign language, he tells me he’s never heard of shmoz.  Being the helpful employee he was though, he got on the radio and asked the manager.  The manager’s reaction was surprisingly similar to my daughter’s: he giggled and said “What the heck is shmoz?”

At this point, I’m at the end of my resources and call my wife.  I told her we got just about everything on the list, “but I couldn’t find shmoz anywhere and no one seems to know what it is.” “Shmoz?” she asks.  Exasperated, I shout “Yes, shmoz! Its right here S-H-M-O-Z!”

“Oh,” she laughs “Shredded Mozzarella!”

I’m no longer allowed to shop solo.

[Shotgun aside: a terrific cookbook for healthy recipes that taste great is Eat Well, Lose Weight from Better Homes and Gardens. We eat from this cookbook at least 1-2x per week.]

Best Pickup Lines

1. Do you believe in love at first sight, or should I walk by again?
2. Apart from being beautiful, what do you do for a living?
3. Shall we talk or continue flirting from a distance?
4. Nice dress, it’d look good on my bedroom floor.
5. I miss my teddy bear. Would you sleep with me?
6. Did it hurt when you fell out of heaven?
7. Do you believe in helping the homeless? If yes, take me home with you.
8. If I told you that you had a nice body, would you hold it against me?
9. Do you mind if I stare at you up close instead of from across the room?
10. Hi, I just wanted to give you the satisfaction of turning me down. Go ahead, say no.
11. I seem to have lost my number, can I have yours instead?
12. Is it hot in here or is it just you?
13. I have had a really bad day and it always makes me feel better to see a pretty girl smile. So, would you smile for me?
14. There must be something wrong with my eyes, I can’t take them off you.
15. I suffer from amnesia. Do I come here often?

Best Burger
1) Five Guys
2) In-N-Out Burger
3) Wendy’s
4) Burger King
5) McDonald’s
* all good, but no nod for White Castle?  And it must be fast food only, because Red Robin should definitely be on the list.

Best French Fries
1) McDonald’s – true but only if eaten in the first 10 minutes. After that they’re terrible.
3) In-N-Out Burger
4) Wendy’s
5) Burger King

Best Milkshakes
1) Dairy Queen
2) Cold Stone Creamery
3) Sonic Drive-in
4) Chick-fil-A
5) Ben & Jerry’s
Here is a list of some of theother category winners:

Best Fried Chicken: Kentucky Fried Chicken (KFC)

Best Grilled Chicken: Chick-fil-A

Best Fish: Long John Silver’s – Ha ha ha, in a class by itself.

Best Salads: Panera Bread – Not bad, but I have to go with Paradise Bakery & Cafe

Most Child-Friendly: McDonald’s

Best Value: McDonald’s

Best Steak: Outback Steakhouse – couldn’t say, I always have the Queensland Chicken & Shrimp

Best Pasta: Maggiano’s – close #2 Olive Garden?

Best Breakfast: Cracker Barrel

Best Seafood: Bonefish Grill

Best Desserts: The Cheesecake Factory

Most Child-Friendly: Chuck E. Cheese’s

Drama actors:
Hugh Laurie (House) $400,000+
Christopher Meloni & Mariska Hargitay (Law & Order: SVU) $395,000 (each)
David Caruso (CSI: Miami) $375,000
Marg Helgenberger (CSI) $375,000
Laurence Fishburne (CSI) $350,000

Talk show hosts:
Oprah Winfrey $315 million
Judge Judy Sheindlin $45 million
David Letterman (The Late Show) $28 million
Jay Leno (The Tonight Show) $25 million
Conan O’Brien (The Conan O’Brien Show) $10 million

Reality:
Ryan Seacrest (American Idol) $15 million
Joel McHale (The Soup) $2 million
Piers Morgan (America’s Got Talent) $2 million
Kate Gosselin (Kate Plus Eight) $250,000 per episode
Nicole “Snooki” Polizzi (Jersey Shore) $30,000 per episode

Comedy actors:
Charlie Sheen (Two and a Half Men) $1.25 million
Jon Cryer (Two and a Half Men) $550,000
Dan Castellaneta and Julie Kavner (The Simpsons) $400,000
Tina Fey (30 Rock) $350,000
Jeremy Piven (Entourage) $350,000

News:
Matt Lauer (Today) $16 million +
Katie Couric (CBS) $15 million
Bill O’Reilly (Fox News) $10 million
Keith Olbermann (MSNBC) $7 million
Wolf Blitzer (CNN) $3 million

This reminds me of my favorite camping story.  My girlfriend at the time and I were going to meet my roommate Alex and his girlfriend at a campground for a weekend of boating, fishing and roughing it.  Alex had decided to take a few days off of work and head up early.  When Amy and I showed up on Friday afternoon, we found that they had scoped out the site and set up their tent in a perfect spot. Our campsite sloped downhill and ended in a little grassy spot surrounded by trees.  You guessed it, Alex’s tent was pitched on the nice, soft grass, leaving us up on top of the hill – and the rocks.  Aside from a bit of a rough night sleep, this being before air mattresses were so common, we embarked on a fun day.  That afternoon, as we were getting back to the campsite, it started to sprinkle a little.  Alex grabbed a deck of cards and we passed the time playing Sheeps-head with the girls in my tent.  AS we were playing, we noticed the rain starting to come down a bit harder… and a bit harder.  Pretty soon we were waiting through a pretty nasty storm.

When the storm cleared, we come out of the tent to survey the scene.  Alex went down to his tent, where he found everything floating in about a foot and a half of water.  We quickly packed all of our wet stuff up and headed back to the city.  Amy and I chuckled all the way about Alex’s prime choice of tent locations.

Women, in an effort to look younger, are flocking to get Snail Gel Facials. Hailed as the ‘next big thing’ in beauty, therapists rub gooey snail secretions over one’s skin. The gel contains high levels of allantoin, which moisturizes and soothes while plumping the outer layers of the skin. Chilean snail farmers developed the practice and say the gel is good for cleansing, toning and exfoliation.

I’m beginning to think that there is a group of people who sit together in a room and try to come up with ridiculous things to make women do. Snails? Seriously?  Though I suppose I shouldn’t be surprised, ladies with a few wrinkles and lots of money have been fighting aging in many strange ways for years.

Bird Poop Facials – Which apparently contains a chemical called Guanine that is said to be awesome for your skin and can only be found in bird poop.

Placenta Milkshakes – This tissue that grows inside of women when they are pregnant and serves to nourish and protect the fetus. In Japan people are  drinking ground placenta to look and feel younger. GROSS!

Mayonnaise Lotions – When rubbed onto your skin, mayo is said to increase smoothness, softness AND elasticity. No word on whether or not Miracle Whip is an acceptable substitute.

Lemon-Juice Highlights – The completely natural way to lighten your strands…squirt some lemon juice on your hair and lay out in the sun for the cheapest most real-looking highlights you’ve ever had.  (Side note… Guilty.  I tried this as a kid.  Probably why I was bald by 20.)

Bull Semen Hair Conditioner – I’m not making this up! Bull semen is said to not only strengthen and smooth hair, but also to add shine to it. (I’m thinking of MANY funny things… none of which I can print here.)

Fish Pedicure – I saw this on TV. The key to fresh feet is removing dead skin cells, and this strange spa treatment has people dip their feet into a bucket of fish who actually eat off the dead skin, leaving soft, fresh skin behind.

While I was fortunate enough to marry a German woman who hasn’t aged a day in 17 years, I personally think women age like a fine wine.  So spend lots of money on them, take them out and show them off to your friends, and keep them in a temperature controlled cellar.